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As close as I’m going to get.

June 13, 2008

Ever since I’ve graduated from high school I’ve thought about and planned for my future. I think about little details…Where will I live? What will I do? What will my husband be like? That’s right. I’ve never really thought about NOT getting married. Now that I’m 26 I’ve come to accept that I may not get married. Which is totally okay with me. But sometimes I still think about what married life would be like. What does a man look like that would fit well with me? Until about a week ago, I never thought that this sort of concept was odd. Follow me here…

I love netflix. I don’t have cable and netflix is a wonderful way for me to waste time in the summer…besides watching episodes of Friends over and over again! I add a variety of movies to my queue from romantic comedies to documentaries to seasons of TV shows. My plan with netflix is an unlimited number of movies a month, but only one at a time. For that reason, I watch the movie the day I get it and get it in the mail the next day. I have some obsessive compulsive tendencies. Anyway, a few nights ago I switched on 10 Questions for the Dalai Lama, poured myself a drink, and snuggled with the kitties. I had a passing thought about my husband… It’s a random Tuesday evening and I’m enjoying a relatively intellectual movie alone. Not only that, I was SO looking forward to it because I adore the Dalai Lama. His voice sounds a little like Kermit, but I love him. I don’t think there are very many men who would appreciate this incredibly dorky side of me. But there are certainly some who would jump at the chance to curl up with me and the Dalai Lama while tolerating my cats! πŸ™‚

This was something I’d think about fairly regularly in my early 20s. It would make me smile as I thought about some man out there watching his own somewhat dorky video with his dog. πŸ™‚ (Don’t get me wrong, I’m not playing into the whole “one person for every person” nonsense… I’m just saying there’s someone out there.) Now that I’ve had serious relationship(s), the whole thing is kind of weird. I’ve mulled this over in my mind the past few days as to why I get the weird feeling. Is it because I have come to accept that I may never get married? (not because this man doesn’t exist, but because I would CHOOSE to not wed.) Or is it because I once had this man who would have loved to watch the Dalai Lama with the kitties and me? Is it weird to remember contemplating sharing life with someone whom I now cannot even share air? Perhaps.

Life has the potential to change drastically and quickly. I’ve been disappointed. I’ve seen relationships dissolve in a breath. I’ve heard that “you just know” when you’re in the right relationship. When you’ve found the perfect job. I trust my intuition and I’ve made some great decisions because I trust my feelings. However, I’ve also been wrong. (I tried to think of another word to use… I hate that I’m admitting to being wrong!) It’s hard to say that because it wasn’t wrong at the time, but long term or even RIGHT now, some things are just wrong. Some jobs are not your job. Some relationships come at the wrong time.

I want to believe that when these dreams disappear and we are forced to rearrange our future plans (of course completely ignoring the fact that none of this is in our control!) that better things enter our lives. However, my life has not proven this in every instance. There have been dramatic tragedies that completely crushed me and yet in a month or two, something better has taken its place. I’ve also had some really disappointing things happen that have not quickly manifested into something bigger and better. Patience is not my strongest suit. πŸ™‚

There’s rarely a point to my posts, but sometimes I make an attempt. No attempt here. Just a little window into my soul. As close as I’m going to get at sharing my heart.

Sophie loves plastic bags. She also thinks that you can’t see her when she stays really still.

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